just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
