i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
