i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
