I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
