Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
