i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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