dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
