I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
