Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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