You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This house was built for laser tag.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
