dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
