This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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