when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
