My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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