the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
