Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
