Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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