Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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