I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
