I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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