i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
