We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
