I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
