i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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