Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
