everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
