The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
