My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
