Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
