omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
