I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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