in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
