I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
