He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
