im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
