I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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