I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
