remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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