this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
