My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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