I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
