Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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