I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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