they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
