I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
FUCK WHALES
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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