Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
