I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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