i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
