If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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