There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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