I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
