batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
